13 Things You Didn’t Mean To Eat All Of

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2. The nachos that you made to eat with your bff who said they were coming over to watch Netflix with you but who still hasn’t shown up, and you didn’t tell them you were making nachos in the first place, so it’s not like you’re breaking their heart about it or anything.

3. The collection of Lunchables you got for your friend’s kid, which you are excusing because do kids nowadays even care about Lunchables? It was totally different twenty years ago, of course, and you’re just so caught up in a fit of 90s nostalgia that you convince yourself that no one will mind if one or two Lunchables go missing. But suddenly they are all gone. All of them. All fifteen.

4. The canned cat food you found in your closet somewhere even though your cat died almost a year ago. You’re not sure why you ate it instead of throwing it away, but it just sort of happened, and now it’s all gone so really you achieved your original goal of getting rid of it. Now it’s time to stop dwelling on the fact that you just consumed a ridiculous amount of food meant for felines.

5. Your recycling for the week, which included some junk mail, the Lunchables plastic containers, an empty bottle of contact lens solution, and a few old magazines. You stopped yourself before you could eat the cat food cans because that would probably present some pretty major medical issues. Still, you’re a little concerned about the turn your appetite has taken this last week. At least you don’t have to take out the recycling anymore; that’s your least favorite chore.

6. The local library’s entire book collection, which is a real shame because you enjoyed reading those books even more than you enjoyed eating them, but you’ve reached a point where you really can’t control yourself anymore. Maybe it’s time to see someone about this.

7. Your therapist, who really was only trying to help.

8. The judge who sentenced you to life in some special kind of supposedly inedible facility that makes you feel a little more comfortable about stopping your uncontrollable appetite. Maybe being forced to tell yourself no will be good for you. This habit is clearly harmful.

9. The supposedly inedible facility. You’re on the loose now. There is no stopping you. The apocalypse has arrived for the world, and the apocalypse is you.

10. The planet and everything on it. The tears have been streaming down your face for months now as you consume everything and everyone you once loved. Before you know it, you are the only inhabitant of a barren world. You sit in the emptiness you have created around yourself and howl at the sky, even knowing that no one can hear you. Suddenly, as you resign yourself to a hopeless existence, you notice something out of the corner of your eye, shooting across the darkened sky. Is that . . .

11. The alien visitors who had finally decided it was time to come out of the woodwork and make contact with your planet. Turns out aliens may be the one thing that upset your previously ironclad stomach. It must be some alien quality to their physical bodies that your enzymes can’t handle, but you’ll never find out for sure because you ate all the scientists.

12. The one surviving alien, who emerges nervously from his hiding place to call out “Wait, no! Don’t be afraid! You are one of us! You were stolen from us as an infant and raised by this cruel world, and it is only now that we have been able to rescue you. Universal consumption is a crucial process of your adolescent development—soon those of us you just ate will be reincarnated in a stronger form, and we will be able to take you home with us where you will be safe and happy.”

13. The strange capsule that the aliens—no, your family—give you when they spring from your body, munching on partially digested bits of forest and libraries, in what first seems like a miracle and then seems strangely familiar. The capsule is the first thing that satiates your hunger, and you cry tears of happiness now as you enter your family’s ship and return to the land where you should have been born, leaving behind the world of pain, hunger, and despair that you have ruined. For the first time possibly in your life, you feel at home.


  1. Cindy Reply

    Wow, the list turned quickly into a novel. Would make a great screen play.

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