15 Grocery Hacks You Wish You Had Always Known

Are you new to eats? Are you surprised to know that eats cost more than a song and a wooden nickel? The escalating price of eats is a rude nonsense that can be dodged with cleverness and strategy. Let these succulent, cash-saving tips lead you to unknown heights in your lifelong pursuit of eats and happiness.

  1. Know where there is a store.
  2. Know that it is a store of grocers.
  3. Know the streets that lead to the store.
  4. Know yourself to the store. Kidding! Use something that has wheels or an engine. 
  5. Have body weight so that the store welcomes you in automatically.
  6. Pull a fire alarm in the store.
  7. Enhance the charade by shouting “FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! IT’S REAL AND NOT JUST A SAVVY SHOPPER’S LONG CON.”
  8. Shoo almost everyone* out of the store by assuring them that you are a fire marshall. (Have and wear a fire marshall’s uniform.) *Curate a task force of hotties, warriors, and geeks.
  9. Lock the automatic doors. You have the key in the pocket of your fire marshall uniform, obviously.  
  10. Use all available manpower and geekpower to zombie-proof the roof, floors, and doors. Fortify the structure and line the perimeter with a layer of canned cheese product—zombies like gross sh*t but they have standards.
  11. Initiate a zombie apocalypse with that virus you stole after one (of many) botched experiments at the Jurassic Park labs. You’ve been keeping the strain in an old tampon box all this time. No one starts digging around in other people’s tampon boxes, and kudos to you for using that to your advantage.
  12. Sell tickets to your Zombie Apocalypse Oasis for about 1 million dollars or whatever the going currency happens to be. Have the hotties spread the word because during a dystopian crisis people respond to physical appearance more than any other human quality.   
  13. Outlast the apocalypse to become an overlord of the new society due to the profits you have skillfully earned and the resources you have strategically sequestered.
  14. Have so much wealth, power, and respect that people to go to the grocery place (or hunt and gather, probably) for you. 
  15. Enjoy a prosperous, worry-free eats career until your retirement. At this point, you remember that coupons could have been a sly but bloodless way to save cash on groceries — your appetite for life and fresh food is all but destroyed by the combination of your own guilt and shame. 

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