20 Essay-Writing Hacks You Probably Need Tonight

Are you at the mercy of a mean and cruel witch? Is this witch your English teacher? Are you required to complete unthinkable tasks like using a typing-box to create sentence-pages about book-topics? Well, pull up a toadstool because we have a lot of mischief to discuss.

The witch probably said that there is only one true charm for writing essays. This is a falsehood; there are shortcuts and fooleries and all sorts of sneaks around actually following the step-by-step nonsense that the witch researched, typed, scaffolded, revised, printed, and copied for you and 149 of your peers.

Never mind all of that hocus-pocus — here are the hacks you need to finish your essay in the wink of a toad’s eye:  

  1. Open the purple two-pocket folder labeled English / Ms. Witch.
  2. Remove the document labeled “Essay + Outline.” It is printed with black ink on white printer paper — classic Witch. It should have that “barely looked at” feel because you’ve avoided making eye contact with it since receiving it 13 days ago. 
  3. Allow your eyes to skim this handout from left to right. (You may also think of this step as reading, but don’t get too carried away.)
  4. Destroy “Essay + Outline” using a lighter, your naked hands, or a pair of safety scissors. Only weak pencil-pushers refer to an outline once the writing process is underway.
  5. Turn on your typing-box and head straight for the internet. Indulge your Whims and Muses for approximately 48 minutes.
  6. Open a blank sentence-pages document. Reward yourself with 12 additional internet minutes.
  7. At this point, you remember almost nothing from “Essay + Outline.”
  8. Shrug an exaggerated shrug, and say, “Hmm! Silly old me! O dear!”
  9. Wish that you had even paid one ounce of attention in class. You don’t know whether to write a parody of the common core, a dystopian short story inspired by the current political scene, or a research paper about how the Jurassic Park franchise irrevocably changed the course of the entertainment industry from its inception. 
  10. Decide to write a personal narrative detailing how Ms. Witch has impacted your cognitive growth over the past three and a half months.
  11. Use a thesaurus to incorporate SAT-level words, and let the extraneous verbiage potently buttress your pragmatically sagacious sentence-pages.
  12. Add a jazzy title that might throw Ms. Witch off the trail that you had no effing idea what to write for this.
  13. Include your name and the date.
  14. Revise for correct spelling and a tone of sincerity — if the Witch-ster feels this is from the heart, you may be off the hook!
  15. Print three extra copies because of the pride you feel from completing anything at all.
  16. Check your email to reconnect with the world only to realize that Ms. Witch sent the outline to the entire class.
  17. Wipe your brain’s memory of “Essay + Outline.” Delete your email account and any incriminating contacts from your phone.
  18. Be prepared to prove with honesty, facts, and an untraceable paper trail that you had NO CLUE what this essay was supposed to be about.
  19. Turn in your essay on time.  
  20. Wait patiently for your A+ or Witch’s Apprentice of the Month award.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *