Are you at the mercy of a mean and cruel witch? Is this witch your English teacher? Are you required to complete unthinkable tasks like using a typing-box to create sentence-pages about book-topics? Well, pull up a toadstool because we have a lot of mischief to discuss.
The witch probably said that there is only one true charm for writing essays. This is a falsehood; there are shortcuts and fooleries and all sorts of sneaks around actually following the step-by-step nonsense that the witch researched, typed, scaffolded, revised, printed, and copied for you and 149 of your peers.
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- Open the purple two-pocket folder labeled English / Ms. Witch.
- Remove the document labeled “Essay + Outline.” It is printed with black ink on white printer paper — classic Witch. It should have that “barely looked at” feel because you’ve avoided making eye contact with it since receiving it 13 days ago.
- Allow your eyes to skim this handout from left to right. (You may also think of this step as reading, but don’t get too carried away.)
- Destroy “Essay + Outline” using a lighter, your naked hands, or a pair of safety scissors. Only weak pencil-pushers refer to an outline once the writing process is underway.
- Turn on your typing-box and head straight for the internet. Indulge your Whims and Muses for approximately 48 minutes.
- Open a blank sentence-pages document. Reward yourself with 12 additional internet minutes.
- At this point, you remember almost nothing from “Essay + Outline.”
- Shrug an exaggerated shrug, and say, “Hmm! Silly old me! O dear!”
- Wish that you had even paid one ounce of attention in class. You don’t know whether to write a parody of the common core, a dystopian short story inspired by the current political scene, or a research paper about how the Jurassic Park franchise irrevocably changed the course of the entertainment industry from its inception.
- Decide to write a personal narrative detailing how Ms. Witch has impacted your cognitive growth over the past three and a half months.
- Use a thesaurus to incorporate SAT-level words, and let the extraneous verbiage potently buttress your pragmatically sagacious sentence-pages.
- Add a jazzy title that might throw Ms. Witch off the trail that you had no effing idea what to write for this.
- Include your name and the date.
- Revise for correct spelling and a tone of sincerity — if the Witch-ster feels this is from the heart, you may be off the hook!
- Print three extra copies because of the pride you feel from completing anything at all.
- Check your email to reconnect with the world only to realize that Ms. Witch sent the outline to the entire class.
- Wipe your brain’s memory of “Essay + Outline.” Delete your email account and any incriminating contacts from your phone.
- Be prepared to prove with honesty, facts, and an untraceable paper trail that you had NO CLUE what this essay was supposed to be about.
- Turn in your essay on time.
- Wait patiently for your A+ or Witch’s Apprentice of the Month award.
