As a grown, well-adjusted adult, every once in a while you encounter one of those situations where you are surrounded by people you know and love — or occasionally even people you don’t know very well and have yet to grow to develop affection for — and so you make the obvious decision to prepare yourself for human socialization by holding a fake phone conversation for a few minutes until you are emotionally and mentally prepared to interact with real people instead of just imaginary ones. Here are some conversations you can pretend to have as you lurk on the outskirts of true friendship:
1. The Deeply Concerned Mother
“Hey, Mom, how’s it going? . . . No, this isn’t a great time. I’m about to— . . . Oh, I see. Yes, your spoiled jam is definitely an emergency. Is everything okay? . . . That’s good to hear. Are you going to the Jam Slam tonight? . . . That sounds like a lot of fun. You’ll have to tell me about it later when I’m free again. Yeah, I have to go and— . . . okay, I’ll talk to you later. Love you, bye.”
2. The VIP Presidential Contact
“Hello . . . I’m sorry, Mr. President, I’ve asked you several times already not to call my personal phone number. I’m going to have to block this number if you don’t— . . . Yes, I understand, but . . . Mr. President, I have a life outside of the demands you place upon me. This is getting out of hand . . . I can absolutely get back to you within business hours, but right now I need some “me” time and not allow my life to revolve around you . . . Yes, I know how time zones work, and I understand that you don’t have the ability to retain that structure, but I don’t have your job do I? And I certainly don’t have your paycheck . . . Thank you for your understanding. I’ll call you back soon. Love you too.”
3. The International Spy Thriller
“Hello . . . Who is this? . . . How did you get this number? You should under no circumstances have access to this number . . . I’m going to need to verify your access code in order to know if that’s true . . . Can you please repeat those last seven digits for me? . . . All right, you’re cleared.
Go ahead, what is it? . . . No, that can’t be. We’ve done everything in our power to ensure that this wouldn’t happen. Are you absolutely positive? . . . All right, I’ll be over as soon as I can, but you’re going to have to give me a couple hours. I’m about to see a movie with some friends . . . Yes, I know. But I’ve got to keep up the facade, you know?
Okay, text me with the details until I can get out of here . . . Yes, I know that you’re not supposed to text in movies, but I’d say this is a special exception, wouldn’t you? . . . Well, if you really want to be that strict about it, then sure, you don’t have to text me. I’m just trying to help here. You need my input, don’t you? . . . Sounds good. Hold down the fort until I’m done. I’m trusting you here. Don’t let me down.”
4. The Adele Reenactment
“Hello . . . Oh god, Adele, not again. Please stop calling. I’m in the middle of something. Can you let me live? . . . Yes, you’ve definitely called me a thousand times. I’m deeply aware of that fact, and I find it unsettling. I’d really prefer if you stopped . . . It hasn’t even been that many years. I literally saw you two weekends ago. I’m just not that into you, okay? Like, your music is great, but I just can’t see us together . . .
It was one date, Adele, you do not need to apologize for breaking my heart because that did not actually happen . . . It certainly is typical for you to talk about yourself. Why don’t we move on and just not talk at all? I think we’ve reached that point . . . What are you on the other side of, anyway? Are you in Brooklyn? Are you outside my house? Adele, for the last time, please stop waiting for me outside my house. It’s creepy and I don’t know how you even got my address . . .
What do you mean we’re running out of time? I’m sorry, is that a threat? Do I need to call the police again? . . . You know, I’m going to have to agree with one thing you’ve said, and that’s that we’re incredibly different. I’m going to hang up now and change my number, and if you call again or break into my house one more time I’m going to have to get a restraining order. No, that does not mean I love you. No, just because I said those words in order doesn’t mean . . . Oh, whatever. Goodbye.”