1. In the second oven.
See, Lucas, I’m respecting your wishes by not calling the second oven a microwave, which you find to be so offensive. If you’re reheating your leftovers, then fine. But if you are not, can you please find a different place to establish your Home for Abandoned Foods? And no, I don’t know what paperwork you need to file in order to make it an official orphanage. I just want my second oven back, please.
2. Under the bed.
For the last time, Lucas, the monsters under your bed are not going to starve if you don’t put all your leftovers there. In fact, Henry SPECIFICALLY told me that he doesn’t even LIKE human food. He prefers to feed off your fear of his existence.
3. In the water pipes.
How are you even getting in there, Lucas? Never mind, I don’t want to know. I just want to stop worrying about cheese sauce hitting me in the face whenever I try to take a shower.
4. Buried in the backyard.
I’ll give you this, Lucas, it’s perfectly reasonable to have issues with eating animal products. Plenty of people agree with you there. But what I don’t understand is why you don’t seem to mind actually eating meat — but then if you have anything left over then you insist on giving that half of your fried chicken a proper funeral. What about the half of the meal that is currently in your stomach, Lucas? Where’s the funeral for that portion?
5. Inside the upright piano.
I know you value the arts, Lucas, but leaving your tacos inside the piano for hours at a time will not in fact enrich the tacos’ cultural understanding. If anything, it’ll make it harder for them to hear truly beautiful music because the piano has gone so out of tune thanks to all the meals you’ve scattered across its strings.
6. On top of the refrigerator.
I mean, if you’re going to go to the effort of walking over to the refrigerator with your food, is it really that much more difficult to open the door and stick your half-finished pad see ew in the cold food frontier where it belongs? I’ve told you this before, Lucas. The food is fine with being cold. It will not die of hypothermia within those frozen walls. Just put it in the fridge.