7 Unexpected Things That Are NSFW

If you’ve ever heard the saying “safety first”, then you’re already about 100 leagues ahead of the target audience for this article. Okay, now that the Safety Nerdbots have stepped aside, it’s just us Danger F*ckers. We live on the edge and have a slippery understanding of cause and effect in general. While this is undecidedly the coolest attitude to have, you should take heed of these unexpected workplace dangers.

1. The Afternoon

In general, people will say things like, “I’m so sleepy in the morning. Just groggy and feeling gooey in general. That is the time when a danger could occur to my person probably most.” Those people have led you astray, because it is The Afternoon that you should look upon with eyes of suspicion. Consider its beguiling name: Afternoon. Is the morning called beforenoon? Is the evening called latenoon? Not that I know of. Although Afternoon could not be reached for a comment, we are certain that its birth name is Dangernoon and that you should fear it greatly.

The tip here is to keep your Danger Radar turned way up as soon as 12 p.m. rolls around.

2. Corners

If there’s one region of spaces and places where safety is ne’er to be found, it is in the corners. A corner is that line on the wall where two walls have crashed and remained stuck after their collision-accident. Safety is not about to hang out in such an obvious danger-zone, and neither should you.

The tip here is not to run into corners: they love that. It is an instinct we all must fight. And, admittedly, we’ve all slipped up a few times.

3. The All-Seeing Eye (Your Computer)

Computers are a cheesy, melty danger-meat sandwich. And yet, you turn yours on and let it stare into your brain-pocket day in and day out. The All-Seeing Eye has records of your habits, hobbies, dreams, terrors, resumes you typed to escape your job while you’re at your job, halloween costume snafus, hilarious attempts to register for hot yoga classes, and Yelp reviews for restaurants you will never actually visit because ordering a pizza is so much less stressful.

The tip here is to actually be the nicest to your computer. Provide sincere compliments, regularly compose haikus (“I love you” or “I’m sorry” as needed), and when it asks you to update a program, do so eagerly, immediately, and without a sigh or sign of consternation. 

4. Cords

You may be saying, “Hey! I understand this one. Cords are pure evil and I knew that.” Unfortunately, this goes a little deeper than the danger of a cord tripping you into a corner (but definitely remain wary of this possibility). Cords, or danger-snakes, are a little something the Safety Zone folks call “unpredictable” and “a surefire way down the metaphorical road to hell”. When you look too closely at a power strip or, God forbid, at the back of your All-Seeing Eye, your brain-bulb might burst at the anxiety induced by your attempt to guess what each danger-snake is actually connected to.

The tip here is to treat cords like you treat strangers on the train: do whatever, I mean WHATEVER, necessary to avoid direct eye contact.

5. The Mail Person

If you’re anything like me, you enjoy slapping the mail person a hearty high five as a sort of payment for the delivery of the daily mail bundle. Little did you know that the mail person could be the one to deliver your Danger Ticket. Danger Tickets may come in any variety of envelope or package, so I suppose I cannot help you identify one on sight. Just know that you and the mail person must be mortal enemies because on any given business day, he could hand-deliver your Danger Ticket. He has an obligation to complete this delivery even if he has bonded with you over your extraordinary high-fiving capabilities.

The tip here is to break off the friendship immediately. You do not want to fall into a quicksand of mixed emotions and bitter memories should the Danger Ticket come between you.

6. Birthday Cakes

Have you no context for health issues in the 21st century? The sugar content in the sprinkles alone is enough to take down an Olympic swimmer. And you are probably prone to sneak extra Danger Foam from a corner piece. I mean, I want to help you, but dammit I need you to meet me like one third of the way.

The tip here is to gain a basic understanding of “Sexy Danger Foods” v. “Boring Safety Foods”.  

7. The Lackadaisical Way That You Wash Your Hands

We’ve all succumbed to the peer pressure to rinse our hands as quickly as possible. I mean, people who go for the full soap-and-water lather every time must be extraordinary nerd-vegans. But you have to know this: proper hand washing is a thing that can keep you out of danger’s hot, breathy maw.

The tip here is to wash your hands about four times longer than you feel is appropriate. The PRO tip here is to keep a lackadaisical look about you while washing your hands, even though you’re serious as sh*t about personal sanitation.  

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