This election season is already a nightmare, so you really don’t want to see any fictionalized creatures of your actual nightmares at the polling booth. Anyone who isn’t bound by the same rules of mortality that govern your existence is inherently suspicious. It’s up to you to do what’s right for your country by keeping an eye out for these unsavory characters.
1. The Loch Ness Monster
The Rude Part: She makes an appearance for Election Day but for no other day of the year. Clearly she’s trying to make a splash in politics since no one ever notices any splash she makes in her natural habitat.
The Illegal Part: With a neck that long, who knows how many polling places she can reach? And if she brings that much water into the polling place, she’s bound to ruin something. Also, why is this Scottish legend in an American polling place?
What You Can Do: Don’t be distracted by her long, supple neck. Disaster is about to strike, and it’s up to you to catch it. Plus you’ll get to brag about being one of the few people to catch a glimpse of this mysterious monster — before you report her to the authorities for voter fraud.
2. Time Travelers
The Rude Part: They learned how to time travel and didn’t tell anyone. Not okay. Then they come here, to this garbage year, to cast their vote in this garbage election. Just because they figured out the laws of physics doesn’t put them above the laws of democracy and the American Constitution. Also, their futuristic clothes are giving you the creeps.
The Illegal Part: Who knows what laws are governing the year 3000, but back here in 2016 we have this little thing called voter fraud, bud. Everyone gets one vote and can only vote at one time interval, regardless of how many times they can visit it, or whatever. They have no right to barge in here to your time period and change the course of your life without asking first.
What You Can Do: Keep an ear out for people who use weird phrases like “Wow, I can’t believe they used to vote like this, how prehistoric” or “Wait, our history books said that everyone was wearing pantsuits on Election Day 2016, are we in the right year?”
The Rude Part: Literally everything. They smell so bad. They mumble at you. If you approach them to better decipher their mumblings, they will bite your face off. You’re not even sure how they stumbled into the polling place; they were probably just following the crowd.
The Illegal Part: Prettttttttttty sure you can’t vote after you’ve died.
What You Can Do: Depends on the number of zombies you’re talking about. Is it just a stray one that has wandered in, or is it an entire horde set upon destroying humanity as you know it? Set up a barricade. Call for backup. Prepare for plot twists.
The Rude Part: Clones are unnecessarily hot. There’s no need for them to be showing off their damn good face at all, let alone flaunting replicas of the perfect facial symmetry encoded in their scientifically-sculpted DNA.
The Illegal Part: According to the historical documentary Orphan Black, there could be eleven or more clones of any one person. That’s eleven votes beyond what the government has granted you. True, you’re not quite sure if clones are independent of each other or are controlled by the original, but for now, this seems pretty constitutionally questionable. Maybe the time travelers you catch can give some hints as to how this country should adjust its moral compass on this one.
What You Can Do: Don’t believe anyone who says they’re twins but also seems to have some sort of way-too-obvious tracking devices lodged in their matching eyeballs. Twins are lies invented by the government to steal your votes and launch a clone program in your own household.
You should perk up your ears for odd turns of phrase, such as exhibited in the following conversation:
Clone One: “So, who did you vote for?”
Clone Two: “What a ridiculous question to ask of your body and soul double. We were biologically engineered to have the exact same beliefs and emotions.”
The Rude Part: They’re smarter than you and better in every way, tbh. Why are witches even on your list? You’re the rude one now.
The Illegal Part: Highly educated, powerful, smartly dressed women should always be under extreme scrutiny, but with witches you have to be especially careful because they could transform the other voters into toads — or, rather, from toads into something potentially even more disgusting.
What You Can Do About It: Despite your Muggle upbringing, you’d better be practicing your counter spells and hope that your Patronus is a bald eagle clutching an American flag.
The Rude Part: You are enjoying the normal stresses of a normal election day when suddenly the door blows open, but there’s no one there. Terrified, you drop your coffee and lose your nerve: you’ve felt so in control of your life today but now realize how small and fragile you are in the face of supernatural threats.
The Illegal Part: The baleful moans and flickering lights may be nothing more than a ghost’s plea for help ending its purgatorial suffering; however, if a ghost’s supernatural tricks disrupt the voting machines, then it has committed fraud from beyond the grave. Ghosts should really be more careful about what electricity (and emotions) they play with, especially on Election Day. This isn’t f*cking Halloween.
What You Can Do: Call Ghostbusters, obviously.
The Rude Part: Why do they think everyone wants to see their teeth? What is this, an ad for Colgate toothpaste? No. This is a polling place, and everyone needs to take this seriously.
The Illegal Part: They may have been voting for thousands of years. No one can say definitively if they are alive or dead. Some of them became vampires before they turned 18, so the legality of their votes is questionable.
What You Can Do About It: Be on the lookout for sparkly not-quite-humans with really great jawlines and an alarming lack of facial hair or expressions. Don’t tempt the vampires: Wear a scarf. Keep your neck out of sight. Order a side of garlic toast even if it’s fifty cents extra.
The Rude Part: Usually, a few trolls emerge from bridges and chatrooms during this season, but this year is a record-breaker. The trolls are descending in droves from their shiny towers, apartment complexes, and regular houses (who knew?) to wreak havoc and incite panic and anxiety everywhere.
The Illegal Part: Believe it or not, telling voters that they must answer three riddles before entering the polling place is illegal — yet somehow trolls continue to get away with it. This voter intimidation has got to stop.
What You Can Do About It: Don’t feed the trolls.