Where to Spandex? Why are sports bras? Is it Nike? If these questions have stretched and strained your mind-muscle, you have, at best, a wobbly understanding of what happens in a workout facility. Here are the foundational exercise tips that will help you put yourself out there in a way that is, at least, legally acceptable.
1. Start Strong
To get a well-rounded workout, you must leave your Birthday Suit Warmer (bed).
2. Choose Proper Attire
In order to work out in a public place, you are required to put on attire that covers your birthday suit—including, and especially, the zesty bits.
3. Sign a Contract
To obtain access to a public workout facility, you must sign a binding contract promising that you will always have your birthday suit covered until you are in the locker room or sauna where anything (or nothing) goes.
4. Uphold the Contract
When you are on a bike, grinding uphill like an Olympian, you may experience an unquenchable desire to remove the items that are smothering your birthday suit. You are heating up bad, and your tight, tight clothes are unforgivably contributing to this. But you signed a contract. Resist this urge.
5. Practice Self-Control
Do not remove items covering the birthday suits of other gym members, even if they are sweating profusely. You may believe that you are doing a generous favor, if not an act of selfless observance. However, that person might misinterpret your helping hands and have you banned from the gym in a permanent, legal type of way.
6. Respect Others
When you are in a Birthday Suit Approved area, keep your eyes on your own birthday suit. People in these public exercise arenas are renovating their suits, and it’s indecent to be ogling a work that’s under construction.
7. Put Safety First
If you are in a shower, it is ok to behave like you are in your own shower, just don’t be in your full birthday suit. You can have the fun pieces out—loud and proud, wiggly and jiggly. But cover your toes. Cover them up and cover them down. Cover them if you hope to live to see another day in your birthday suit.
8. Finish Strong
When you arrive back home, you may start to have feelings about your birthday suit. You may start to think that it’s not up to snuff, and that it doesn’t look like those other gym-goers’ suits (what you could see of them anyway). Do not succumb to these feelings. Whether you are at peace with your birthday suit or not, remember all of the times it has been there for you (always). Think of its past, dream of its future. Revel in the human power vested in your birthday suit.