Achievement Gap Widened by Lazy Copy Machine

Self-proclaimed copy machine whisperer Ms. Carmen Gutierrez is the only member of P.S. 103 who remains unperturbed after Thursday’s printing catastrophe.

“I’m really not surprised,” Gutierrez said. “In addition to insane hours, that machine deals with verbal abuse and threats almost daily.”

This allegedly overworked machine jammed during second period and remained out of commission until the dismissal bell. Over 700 students were denied paper materials that day, and most staff feel unsympathetic and resentful toward the equipment.

Biology teacher Mr. Richard Sciotta explained, “My students had to share copies of their current events article. SHARE. Can you imagine having to explain that to parents?”

Students support their teachers’ outrage. Sophomore Gwendolyn Peters complained, “My English teacher cancelled our reading quiz because she couldn’t copy it. I read chapter nine of To Kill a Mockingbird for nothing.” 

Sciotta was the sole witness to the machine’s breakdown. “It seemed like an act of spitefulness,” he said. The official record states that the machine spat out 14 double-sided, 8-page, stapled copies without a hitch.

On the fifteenth copy, a paper jam sent the machine lurching, beeping, and eventually falling into an ominous silence. Sciotta unhooked levers, unscrewed notches, and dissected the machine’s inner printing system.

“I removed four of the five jammed pages. The fifth page, which prevented the thing from starting up again, was not f*cking in there.”

Although the machine has reportedly been fixed since this incident, teachers have been avoiding the copy room and inventing paperless activities for students. One unnamed source revealed that teachers started a collection to fund the malfunctioning machine’s replacement.

While Gutierrez believes that better hours and a positive environment would totally rehabilitate the copy machine, most feel that the betrayal cannot be forgiven. “I mean for something that gets weekends and summers off, there’s really no excuse,” Sciotta said.

1 Comment

  1. Justin Case Reply

    Is this copier back on-line yet? Where can we make donations to get it the care it requires?

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