What Captain Hook Would Look Like If He Had Any Chill

Captain Hook Without Chill:

I am the best thing that has ever happened to Neverland—disregard any redheaded miscreants who tell you a different story. For more proof on the matter, I’ve included a comprehensive list of my accomplishments, habits, and personality traits. After reading this list, you’ll either set up a shrine in my honor or walk the plank.

  • My temper cannot be controlled, so I don’t waste one second on that futile endeavor. I turn sadness into anger, and anger into murder. I’ll use any excuse to make a kill; stay out of hook’s reach if I look tired, hungry, bored, lonely, disgruntled, vulnerable, wired, embarrassed, nervous, or existential.
  • If I’m losing a lifelong feud with a gangly child, I’ll cook up a delicious scheme to poison the willowy wunderkind and all of his gullible friends instead of being the father figure they so desperately need in their misguided lives.
  • When I hear a ticking clock, my agility peaks and I can pull off all sorts of superhuman feats in my scramble to flee from the physical danger of a real life crocodile and the abstract, yet profoundly compelling, danger of time’s ever-threatening wiles.
  • I don’t admit this publicly (and I doubt that it’s really noticeable), but I have a lot of angst. Mostly, it’s because I can’t fly. I’ve tried drenching myself in fairy dust and enlisting Tinker Bell’s help, but I can’t seem to get my gorgeous adult body off the ground.
  • After hiring blatantly inept human beings to help me, I scream at them for not meeting my expectations. I understand that my crew members are beneath me, but I get such a rush from bullying them and striking fear into their scurvy-ridden hearts.
  • As far as playing by the rules goes: I don’t. If a certain green-clad ruffian does not fall tongue-first into the poisoned frosting that I laid out for him, I will kidnap anyone in the vicinity to lure that maniacal carrot top onto my ship so I can get him into a hand-to-hook combat situation.
  • I’m in a perpetual state of stroking my own ego, asking others to stroke my ego, and going on murderous rampages to smite those who dare make the slightest scuff on my perfect and wonderful ego.

Captain Hook With Chill:

My life has been a long and weary one, and I’m starting to discover a new fear hidden deep in my heart: I create additional problems for myself by being the way that I am. Perhaps it’s not too late for me to embrace the whimsy of Neverland and cease engaging in petty feuds that only end in severed hands and crocodile laughter.

  • Despite being belittled and sometimes killed off by my own hand, my crew members respect and admire everything about me. With the support of a faithful crew, I could pursue a goal that does not involve a roguish child whose horrible manners and irksome personality are not entirely his own fault.
  • My style is the epitome of swashbuckling grandeur—from the curve of my perfectly sculpted mustache, to the alluring red fabric that complements my cascading black hair and admittedly grayish skin, to the fashionable yet sinister gleam of my ever-radiant hook.
  • With my clout and vocal register, I could bring the words “ruffian,” “scalawag,” and “scoundrel” back into everyday conversation.
  • Other people fear Time just as much as I do. Instead of getting all murdery and fearful about it, I should start a book club where we read angsty literature and discuss it in an open and therapeutic manner.
  • I have a pirate ship. Yes, a boy wearing tights stole it and turned it into a glittering gold buffoonery, but I have a feeling that he’ll bring it back. The monthly payment on the ship is ginormous and that penniless forever-boy could never dream of affording it.
  • Honestly, I should sail my ship out of Neverland and never land there again. This fantasy world has been fraught with nightmarish scenarios for me, and despite my attempts to eliminate my problems, I’ve merely intensified them. I shall pull out my spyglass and scan the horizon for a fresh start.
  • I’ve let one physical feature define my identity for far too long. I have a name. That name is James. James has an unsullied past and a future as bright as the second star to the right. Step aside Peter Pan because James is about to embark on an awfully big adventure.

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