Online Dating Profile: The Very Hungry Caterpillar

About Me:

My life happens at the speed of “very”. Obviously I’m very hungry, like when it’s dinner time it is VERY dinner time. When I emote, those feelings only occur in shades of very. If I’m on the move, I’m very on the move. If I need to sleep, I need very much of it. And, lucky for you, if I like someone, I fall very hard for them.

Occupation:

Growth Spurt Development Technician, Director of Picnic Investigations, External Transformation Systems Manager

Appearance:

My body is changing by the hour; when we meet in person, I won’t even recognize myself. My profile photo is an irrelevant identity marker that only serves to remind me of a self I’ve left behind.

The One Thing I’m Passionate About:

I take a holistic approach to eating…literally. This entails chomping a me-sized hole through a food item, and then proceeding to the next untouched food item. My precision is a point of pride: I can bite a perfect cylinder through food of any size, texture, density, or nutritious value.

Age:

Based on my food consumption as a post-egg being, I think I am four days old. However, I will take this opportunity to express my staunch belief that units of time should be personalized to each individual. For me, clearly, the units are food. In that case, I am one apple, two pears, three plumbs, and four strawberries old. 

City:

I’m a worm of the world. I have not stopped crawling since my hatch-day, and I have this sense of urgency pushing me relentlessly, insatiably forward.

Smokes:

Waste of mouth time that could be spent chewing.

Drinks:

I am especially fond of high-calorie beverages—so efficient! Starbucks has revolutionized my nutrient-absorption rate in a way that surpasses science and reason.  

Hobbies:

I fancy myself an amateur philosopher. When I have a group of foods lined up to burrow through, I can chew on autopilot. While dining, I occupy my mind with weighty questions that would incite an existential crisis for a lesser insect.   

Ideal Date:

I require a massive caloric intake during any social interaction I share with another being. The idea of committing time to something other than eating is what gives me the most anxiety about dating. I’m suave and personable, and others are instantly attracted to me. However, when I’m getting to know someone in a foodless environment, I have to binge through the night to compensate for lost time.

To set my mind and digestive system at ease, all of our meet-ups must take place around copious amounts of food—other than that, I am a very easy-going caterpillar.  

Looking For:

Someone who finds the spaghetti scene in “Lady and the Tramp” to be the most romantic moment in all recorded history.

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