A Definitive Ranking of Disney Princes, from Most Boring to Most Likely to Murder You

Prince Charming from Cinderella is so boring that his name also summarizes his personality. It would be like writing, “Hello, my name is Perfectly Average” on a name tag at speed-dating. Apparently, he also goes by the name Prince Henry sometimes, which is literally the most boring name. The only way he is going to kill you is by boring you to death.

Snow White’s prince is so insignificant that the internet can’t figure out what his name is. It’s either Florian or Ferdinand, depending on who you talk to. Maybe Florian is a super-spy-assassin with multiple identities and passports which is why no one knows what to call him … which is the only reason why he’s ranked higher on this list than Prince Tweedledum or whatever his name is.

Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid has a dog instead of a personality, and listens to crabs who sing questionable songs about consent. Apparently, he can’t tell the difference between his mute fiancee and and an evil sea witch with A DIFFERENT HAIR COLOR, so homeboy is either color blind or a lost cause.

Tarzan is the ape equivalent of a prince and a man of few words. He’s got his own hobbies and his own friends, and he doesn’t want to move out of his parents’ home. Pretty much, he’s eye candy or arm candy, but not much else. At least he has a name though.

In the original myth, Hercules was 100% a murderer — he killed his wife Megara after being driven insane by his spiteful stepmom Hera. His Disney counterpart, however, was a little more kid-friendly. So he wasn’t the result of infidelity, which meant that he didn’t get cursed and didn’t murder his wife. Instead, his personality is punching things. That’s pretty much it.

Prince Phillip’s personality is fighting dragons. That’s pretty much it … but it’s cooler than Hercules.

Li Shang isn’t really boring, isn’t really a prince, and probably wouldn’t murder you. He’s still a misogynist and an imperialist, though. Good job, Mulan.

Prince Naveen is a whiny-ass sack of doorknobs. He’s a womanizing, freeloading, lazy pickup artist who probably mansplains to women on Twitter. Seriously, what is up with him? It’s like someone was like, “Let’s give someone a multifaceted personality where every facet is entirely made of turds … and give him a royal title!” The truth is, he might try to murder you, but you could also probably beat him up.

Emperor Kuzco might not technically be a prince, but he is royalty, and he is almost certainly a murderer. Before he was turned into a llama, he did what he wanted, when he wanted, which included jettisoning people from his palace and destroying villages for his own personal use. This dude has definitely made some bodies disappear … but he’s also a lovable llama in a buddy comedy who learns the true meaning of friendship!*

Prince Adam is perhaps better known as The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. This mean SOB told an old lady to stay out in a storm, which given her age might have been a death sentence — luckily, she was a vengeful sorceress with a weird sense of humor who decided to curse him instead of just murdering him and taking his castle. Prince Adam, learning that he needs to have someone fall in love with him in order to break the curse, decides that the best way to do this is to kidnap a girl’s father and then force that girl to live with him. Adam loves to scream, shout, break things, and threaten people with his giant-ass claws and teeth. Stockholm Syndrome is not cute, y’all.

John Smith is not a Disney prince, but in my heart, he is the prince of douchebags. Honestly, it feels wrong to have a list of Disney prince-murderers without his racist, genocidal, Make America Great (Again?), white supremacist ass. This is a guy who won’t just murder you, he’ll murder your family and everyone you know.