A Definitive Ranking of Disney Princes, from Most Boring to Most Likely to Murder You

The Beast From Beauty and the Beast

The following list features Disney Princes, ordered from most boring to most likely to murder you. Male romantic leads who are not princes — such as Kristoff from Frozen, Aladdin from Aladdin, Phoebus from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Flynn Rider from Tangled — do not appear, because they are not princes or royalty of any kind. They do have personalities and it seems unlikely that they would murder you, so that’s nice. Demetri from Anastasia is not a Prince or Disney, but he is smoking hot, and we would like to acknowledge that here.

This list can be read two ways. The first reading is from top to bottom, which can be understood as a ranking of Disney princes from most boring to least boring; the higher the number, the more likely that the prince is completely devoid of a personality. The second reading is from bottom to top, which can be understood as a ranking of Disney princes from most likely to murder you to least likely to murder you; the lower the number, the more likely that the prince is a complete psychopath bent on killing people.

12. Prince Charming (Cinderella)

prince-charming-cinderella-disney
Via Walt Disney Productions

Prince Charming from Cinderella is so boring that his name also summarizes his personality. It would be like writing, “Hello, my name is Perfectly Average” on a name tag at speed-dating. Apparently, he also goes by the name Prince Henry sometimes, which is literally the most boring name. The only way he is going to kill you is by boring you to death.

11. Prince Florian (Snow White)

Prince Florian From Snow White
Via Walt Disney Productions

Snow White’s prince is so insignificant that the internet can’t figure out what his name is. It’s either Florian or Ferdinand, depending on who you talk to. Maybe Florian is a super-spy-assassin with multiple identities and passports which is why no one knows what to call him … which is the only reason why he’s ranked higher on this list than Prince Tweedledum or whatever his name is.

10. Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)

Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid
Via Walt Disney Productions

Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid has a dog instead of a personality, and listens to crabs who sing questionable songs about consent. Apparently, he can’t tell the difference between his mute fiancee and and an evil sea witch with A DIFFERENT HAIR COLOR, so homeboy is either color blind or a lost cause.

9. Tarzan (Tarzan)

Tarzan in Disney's Tarzan
Via Walt Disney Productions

Tarzan is the ape equivalent of a prince and a man of few words. He’s got his own hobbies and his own friends, and he doesn’t want to move out of his parents’ home. Pretty much, he’s eye candy or arm candy, but not much else. At least he has a name though.

8. Hercules (Hercules)

Hercules in Disney's Hercules
Via Walt Disney Productions
In the original myth, Hercules was 100% a murderer — he killed his wife Megara after being driven insane by his spiteful stepmom Hera. His Disney counterpart, however, was a little more kid-friendly. So he wasn’t the result of infidelity, which meant that he didn’t get cursed and didn’t murder his wife. Instead, his personality is punching things. That’s pretty much it.

7. Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty)

Prince Phillip in Sleeping Beauty
Via Walt Disney Productions

Prince Phillip’s personality is fighting dragons. That’s pretty much it … but it’s cooler than Hercules.

6. Li Shang (Mulan)

Li Shang in Mulan
Via Walt Disney Productions
Li Shang isn’t really boring, isn’t really a prince, and probably wouldn’t murder you. He’s still a misogynist and an imperialist, though. Good job, Mulan.

5. Prince Naveen (The Princess and the Frog)

 Prince Naveen in The Princess and the Frog
Via Walt Disney Productions

Prince Naveen is a whiny-ass sack of doorknobs. He’s a womanizing, freeloading, lazy pickup artist who probably mansplains to women on Twitter. Seriously, what is up with him? It’s like someone was like, “Let’s give someone a multifaceted personality where every facet is entirely made of turds … and give him a royal title!” The truth is, he might try to murder you, but you could also probably beat him up.

4. Emperor Kuzco (The Emperor’s New Groove)

Emperor Kuzco in The Emperor's New Groove
Via Walt Disney Productions

Emperor Kuzco might not technically be a prince, but he is royalty, and he is almost certainly a murderer. Before he was turned into a llama, he did what he wanted, when he wanted, which included jettisoning people from his palace and destroying villages for his own personal use. This dude has definitely made some bodies disappear … but he’s also a lovable llama in a buddy comedy who learns the true meaning of friendship!*

*The true meaning of friendship is not murdering people.

3. Prince Adam (Beauty and the Beast)

 The Beast From Beauty and the Beast
Via Walt Disney Productions
Prince Adam is perhaps better known as The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. This mean SOB told an old lady to stay out in a storm, which given her age might have been a death sentence — luckily, she was a vengeful sorceress with a weird sense of humor who decided to curse him instead of just murdering him and taking his castle. Prince Adam, learning that he needs to have someone fall in love with him in order to break the curse, decides that the best way to do this is to kidnap a girl’s father and then force that girl to live with him. Adam loves to scream, shout, break things, and threaten people with his giant-ass claws and teeth. Stockholm Syndrome is not cute, y’all.

2. John Smith (Pocahontas)

John Smith From Pocahontas
Via Walt Disney Productions
John Smith is not a Disney prince, but in my heart, he is the prince of douchebags. Honestly, it feels wrong to have a list of Disney prince-murderers without his racist, genocidal, Make America Great (Again?), white supremacist ass. This is a guy who won’t just murder you, he’ll murder your family and everyone you know.

1. Hans (Frozen)

 Hans in Frozen
Via Walt Disney Productions
Hans seems like he should be on Game of Thrones, but he’s accidentally in Frozen. Like, he is literally a psychopath. He has no hopes of ruling at home since he is the youngest brother, and so he hatches an elaborate scheme to steal a kingdom by marrying and then murdering the princess(es) of a neighboring kingdom. He lies, manipulates, and ultimately tries to murder Elsa and Anna. But for the love of Mickey, at least he’s not boring.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *