People always say, “Oh, I’ve had this friend group since kindergarten,” or “I have NO IDEA how I met my bestie—I think it was BFFs at first sight,” or “I befriended a wooden puppet that turned into a real boy who has been my most loyal friend ever since.”
Well, when the general population is useless in teaching you how to make new friends, we are here (like always) to fill in the gaps. Put on your lucky socks, and put yourself out there with these foolproof friendship starters.
1. You seem extraordinarily cool. How about we platonically discuss your coolness sometime over a hot bev?
Just to be clear, this platonic ask is not going to shift mid-bev into a sweaty attempt to hold your hand.
To be even more transparent, if I were attracted to your gender, I would not be attracted to you specifically. It’s the hairline that does it for me, otherwise you are good looking.
Anyway, coffee soon? You and me, kid?
2. OMG you look amazing in that cardigan! Can we go shopping together sometime?
I’m not trying to trick you into a dressing room scenario where I ask you to come look at a skimpy little number that results in a nip slip that moves us from “friendly acquaintances” to “uncomfortably more-than-friends.”
I want to go shopping with you because I am a hot mess of a person who shops so rarely that I forget my size and end up a slobbery mess of OHMYGOD-I-wear-that-size-of-clothing? What is my problem? Is it the extra gummy vitamins? Is it the Thanksgiving-style weekend brunches? Is it my aversion to grocery shopping and gym memberships? Is it time’s cruel ravaging of my corporeal vessel?
3. Your taste in books is uncannily similar to my own. Wanna go bookstore hopping next Sunday?
I don’t care if you’re wearing your clothes from Saturday night or if you’re in yoga gear that’s not actually used for yoga. You need not dress to impress.
If your lipstick is crumbling or there is mascara on your nose, I won’t even notice because my primary concern is your intellect and how well it pairs with my own.
4. Wow, wow, wow! Your shoulders are like two tiny mountains that got put on a body instead of a landscape. I am in awe of your physique.
I am in the market for a smokin’ hot friend. BEAR WITH ME: I’m not trying to get into the friend zone so I can advance to something more. It’s nothing like that.
With your looks, you will attract a surplus of potential suitors. The ones you don’t like will slip through your People Filter and into my expertly-placed Friend Bucket located directly below. Think of all the friends you’ll gain for me!
5. It’s more than coincidence that we both have obsessions with the secondary characters in Disney movies and realize their integral roles protagonists’ ventures.
Honestly, would people give a f*ck about Cinderella if her Fairy Godmother didn’t make those rad glass slippers? I don’t think so. And neither do you.
It’s astonishing that we separately reached the same conclusion about under-celebrated cartoon characters. Disney marathon at my place over the three day weekend?
We can take notes on each film and leave room for a 45-minute discussion following the viewings. I’ll make a sign-up chart for salty snacks, sweet snacks, and eating utensils.
6. I have observed that you like sports. You enjoy watching them, talking about them, and if I am correct, you even play sports every now and then.
I really need a sporty friend to round out my burgeoning friend circle. I do not like sports, and I avoid engaging in them with all my heart. Regardless, I know that they are a worldwide phenomenon and I want to have an “in” to this part of society.
When you want to watch a big game at your house or the bar and none of your sporty pals are available, give me a ring. I’ll be on retainer for these situations because I need you to fill me with the Knowledge of Sports.
7. What do you like to do for fun? Please tell me all of the things you do for fun, specifically social things.
I’m trying to figure out what else friends do besides go places where they spend money on beverages or food. Is there a type of friendship that involves less money-spending? If so, what the hell happens during this friendship?
Talking? Telling ghost stories so chilling that both of you forget how to sleep? Counting the cans in the pantry, then alphabetizing them? Stealing your neighbor’s magazines and reading the advertisements out loud?
Sorry if these are the obvious answers, I’m just scraping ideas from the top of my brain, the brain foam ideas if you will.
8. To whom it may concern: Please accept my cover letter and resume that detail my past friendship successes and my unique fit as a candidate for your friendship.
I have an excellent track record when it comes to friends, and if you notice any gaps in my resume, I would be pleased to expand on that during a phone or in-person interview.
I am available this week and all subsequent weeks to discuss my relevant past experiences and unique fit for this particular role. Thanks for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you!