Job Posting: Liaison to Hell

NOW HIRING! Part-time assistant to deities with an emphasis in the underworld.

At Gods & Goddesses, Inc., we aim to build trusting relationships between powerful deities of all persuasions and the humans they control and love in a manipulative and often-abusive manner. We value the beauty of our own creations (namely, pretty much the world) as well as the impressive nature of our own abilities and powers. The world is a phenomenal place filled with creativity, beauty, intelligence, and inspiration — and we at Gods & Goddesses, Inc. are responsible for most of that. Our mission is to make the world aware of our accomplishments while minimizing our interpersonal drama. To facilitate these connections, we are seeking a qualified assistant who can meet the following standards:

Qualifications:

  • Experience working with egomaniacal authority figures, preferably at least minor deities. Demigod experience accepted.
  • Bachelor’s degree (minimum) in Classical Studies, Business, Political Science, or other related field. Master’s preferred.
  • Fluent in Greek, Latin, and/or Old Norse; aptitude for languages in general is a must.
  • Must be willing to travel to Mount Olympus and other residences of gods and goddesses.
  • Open to the possibility of becoming a new species of animal.
  • Easygoing, submissive personality; light-hearted and jovial yet able to take being the butt of the joke most of the time.
  • Attuned to the emotions and moods of others; must be a people person.
  • Must love meeting new people, trying new things, pushing boundaries, creating worlds, connecting and networking with a diverse range of mortal and immortal beings.

Duties and Expectations:

  • Write and convey messages from one god or goddess to another; must be able to capture tone and clearly communicate anger, sarcasm, or joy.
  • Help deities prepare for presentations to mortals, develop solutions to longstanding feuds and disputes, monitor and update spreadsheets with family trees (including illegitimate children), make coffee runs.
  • Track souls sent to the Underworld and their respective punishments or rewards; check on Sisyphus at least once a day to ensure status quo; chart relationships between current inhabitants in order to screen for potential drama or conflict.
  • Make regular trips to Hades on behalf of all the other gods and goddesses who refuse to go there; must complete training in order to adhere to all Underworld rules. There’s a lot of them. Just go with it and don’t ask too many questions.
  • Do not engage in any sort of romantic relationship with anyone, ever. You are bound to get someone on your bad side, and in the worst case you might have accidentally gotten mixed up with Zeus, in which case you can pretty much resign yourself to a life of sorrow and misfortune for yourself and your descendants.
  • If any gods and goddesses fall into any sort of dispute and you are caught in the middle as the messenger, you will be held fully accountable for whatever it is that is causing them distress. Prepare yourself for consequences at all times.
  • If you don’t follow all of these exactly, you may be turned into some sort of new creature that will be cursed in an oddly specific way for the rest of the existence of that species.

Compensation:

  • minimum wage hourly payment with no health benefits; probable schedule of 20-30 hours per week.
  • small travel stipend to cover any necessary travel across the River Styx.
  • opportunities for growth at this company; previous successful candidates have been promoted to positions as high as demigod.

If interested, please submit your resume and cover letter as an offering to the deity of your choice. Choose carefully because any poor decision-making on your part may result in (at best) the rejection of your application or (at worst) a war involving both gods and mortals. If you are contacted for an interview, you will be made aware of the fact through a series of complicated tests or tricks.

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