Jurassic Disney: Raptorella

In the upcoming remake of Disney’s iconic film Cinderella, an equally naive and down-on-her-luck velociraptor replaces the titular human. Raptorella is a heart-quickening, sweat-inducing tale of boy meets raptor, raptor rampages fancy ball, and boy weeps hysterically after having a little more than his heart broken.

With feature tracks including “A Scream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes” and “Bibbidi Bobbidi Help!”, this terrifyingly-romantic remake is a must-see. Let’s take a peek at the plot summary!

Orphaned by the scientists who genetically modified her, Raptorella is adopted by Lady Tremaine, a benefactor of Jurassic Park. Although Lady T. is deeply suspicious of dinosaurs, she feels entitled to one because the Prehistoric Embryo Project she personally funded produced nothing more than two oversized chickens with attitude problems.

Lady T. commissions a reptile enclosure to be built adjacent to her mansion. This makes it easy for Raptorella to witness L. Tremaine lavishing attention, kindness, and gifts on Drizella and Anastasia, the chickens that are growing larger and bossier by the day.

Meanwhile, Raptorella remains isolated in her habitat. She has no friends, no purpose, and nothing to look look forward to (except for the live goats hurled into her pit at sundown). Her life is a melancholic monotony.

Everything changes when the King of Nublar announces a royal ball open to all species inhabiting the island. The King advertises the event as a lighthearted search for his son’s bride, but he honestly just wants to know wtf is lurking in the kingdom.

If she could get out for one night, Rella is sure she will experience what her heart has been dreaming about: companionship in any form. However, Li’l Tremaine obstinately believes that large reptiles belong locked behind impenetrable gates—not on the palace dance floor.

On the big night, Rella is weeping in a secluded corner when a sparkling goat appears in her enclosure. “Please don’t eat me, dearie. I’m your Fairy Goat Mother!” the glittering mammal announces.

Fairy Goat Mother sings and waves her magic hoof. Within minutes, Rella is decked out in a gorgeous gown and the gate is unlocked. “Now don’t forget: you must return by midnight…you’ll be very hungry by then,” F. G. Mother warns before disappearing.

Raptorella is an utter babe in FGM’s custom gown, and chicks and chickens alike are aghast and envious when she enters the room. Unfortunately, she arrives quite late, and when midnight strikes, Rella has no clue because time has never been relevant to her.   

Raptorella commences to dance with the Prince, eat the Prince’s father, trample one dozen party guests, guzzle the entire champagne fountain, and then she has the nerve to dash out—leaving NOTHING for the Prince to remember her by. (No amount of magic could force her magnificent, clawed feet into shoes of any kind, let alone glass slippers.)

So, the Prince is left in a lovesick daze, wondering how he will find the love of his life/party crasher/wanted felon ever again. Why does life have to be so hard, he wonders, broodily tracing a heart on the bloodstained ballroom floor.  

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