Which Is It: Your Landlord Or A Cockroach?

  • Thinks they own the building.
  • Spies on you from where you can’t see, possibly in your walls?
  • Comes into your living space unannounced and uninvited.
  • When you say, “There are cockroaches here,” replies with “Yeah, so?”
  • Scuttles — yes, SCUTTLES — when you make eye contact.
  • Refuses to pay for literally any damages or issues with the apartment.
  • Has a large family but judges you for having a friend stay over one time.
  • Disappears for months on end before reappearing just when you thought you were free.
  • Has an unhealthy interest in your garbage and recycling.
  • Is totally fine with your apartment being dark and having extreme temperatures.
  • Gets all put out if you step on them.
  • Doesn’t appear to be concerned about fire hazards.
  • Seems completely unbothered by locked doors.
  • Can get into your apartment at any time.
  • Thinks you’re making too much noise by walking on the floor.
  • Doesn’t mind cracks in the foundation and gaps between the window frames.
  • Approves of your oven that doesn’t open all the way but that remains a warm, dry place for unspecified purposes.
  • Sizes you up every time you cross paths.
  • Doesn’t mind the leaky faucet — you’re starting to think they LIKE that about your kitchen.
  • Obsessed with your windowless, ventless bathroom.
  • Likes the 100-year-old building just the way it is and sees no reason to change one goddamn centimeter of it.
  • Pokes around every inch of your apartment but doesn’t seem to know important info like where the wifi router goes.
  • Wants to know more about your life than you want to show/tell.
  • Doesn’t seem to have a bank account.
  • Threatens your quality of life/livelihood/safety/security/sense of being/sense of control without any legally binding documents or cause.
  • Makes you wonder if there is a god.
  • Will be there always and forever no matter how hard you try to get rid of them and no matter what happens to the physical building.

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