The staff and administration of WDSTGLSA welcome you to the new school year. We’d like to introduce you to some of the core characters of our faculty so you know what to expect over the course of this year and any others you may survive.
English — Scar
Be prepared for wordplay, dramatic irony, and a whole lot of Hamlet. Listen to teacher and focus your powers of retention so you do well in the class. Scar won’t go easy on students just because they’re kids.
History — Shan Yu
They say history is written by the victors, so don’t hold it against Shan Yu if there are bitter overtones interfering with his teaching.
Chemistry — Evil Queen
She has a knack for concocting solutions that may not be in your textbook. No food allowed in class. It’s for your own safety.
Biology — Mother Gothel
You’re going to have to trek all the way to the top floor for Mother Gothel’s class, but there are no stairs. Figure it out. You’ll learn a lot about poison ivy, quicksand, cannibals, snakes, and the plague. She’s probably also on some weird drugs.
Choir — Ursula
Ursula really knows how to get a good singing voice out of you. But be careful; she might try to take full credit for all of your accomplishments.
Art — Cruella De Vil
It’s probably not legal for her to be smoking in class, but fine art comes at a price. She really stays on top of the trends. Hot tip: don’t talk about your personal life, especially not your pets or the color of their fur or what their spots look like.
Home Ec — Lady Tremaine
We’re honestly not sure if she is teaching a class or employing students in order to avoid hiring a custodian. Either way, the school looks spotless. We’ll see what happens when prom comes around.
Physical Education — Gaston
No one can handle Gaston’s class. Literally no one. This class is too hard for you. You’re going to fail. Your teacher eats more eggs each morning than you do in a year. And wtf is with all the antlers? Those do not belong in a weight room.
Dean — Maleficent
Maleficent is a very proactive dean. She anticipates problems before they even happen and always punishes anyone who needs to be punished, like an infant child who has no idea what is going on. It definitely makes sense that she’s in charge of an entire school.
Assistant Principal — Jafar
Despite Jafar’s hypnotic charm, he’s never quite managed to get the promotion to principal that he so desperately wants. Try not to get caught in the crossfire of his quest to rule to school. Don’t even ask about the parrot.
Principal — Queen of Hearts
She’s pretty much always playing croquet yet somehow manages to find time to terrorize the entire student body and micromanage every detail of the school, right down to the color of the roses out front. She also has weird ideas about appropriate disciplinary actions.