Helloooooo ladies! Between balancing a marriage, family, and career, it can be hard to find love — thanks, feminism. But, just as husbands come and go, true love is and has always been between a woman and her gal pals. Think Sex in the City. Think Golden Girls. Think Orange is the New Black, but without the prison or the diversity.
There really is nothing better in the world than getting the girl pearls together to drink wine and laugh at salads. But in precious moments like these, how can you express your admiration to your sisters from another misters? Here are some clever new ways to show your chick picks what they mean to you!
1. Trophy Wife
“You just won a Nobel Prize? Well, aren’t you just a trophy wife!!!”
The Trophy Wife is full of surprises. Maybe she’s a supportive partner, but she’s also a polymath award-winning nuclear physicist. Or maybe she’s a newlywed and an Olympic athlete who was shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize. Whatever the trophy wife’s specific talents, she is going to need to build a new wing to her house soon so that there is room for all of her trophies.
2. Gold Digger
“If you show them the gold digger that you truly are, how could they not love you?”
The Gold Digger is as driven as she is discerning. She will not settle for anything less than perfection, and this has served her well in life, whether she is prospecting for precious metals or flawlessly answering “What is your greatest flaw?” for a job interview. Dig, gold digger! Dig for the stars!
3. Lady of the Night
“Did you see the evening gown she was wearing? She’s such a stunning lady of the night!”
The Lady of the Night is the picture of elegance. She is cool, calm, and collected. Through the evening, her classy composure never wavers, and at the end of the night, she remains as incandescently beautiful as she was at the beginning. She is a lady, through and through.
4. Arm Candy
“My arm candies and I are going to go for a refreshing day at the spa!”
What do you call someone who is as strong as they are sweet? Arm Candy, of course! What could be stronger than a flexed bicep? What could be sweeter than high fructose corn syrup dusted in sugar? Arm Candy is the perfect nickname for your friend who has it all, since it encapsulates both of the virtues that women are expected to be now — thanks, feminism.
“You were in your element in class today — you’re such a spinster!”
The Spinster exudes physical prowess. She doesn’t just go to SoulCycle, she is the SoulCycle. She cycles souls with the grace of a thousand swan-headed ballerinas, like the biracial-beauty love child of Misty Copeland and Lance Armstrong (pre-drug-scandal, obviously). She and the bicycle meld together to become a glorious wheeled centaur.
6. Soccer Mom
“Christie Rampone, I’m so glad we’re friends!”
If you are friends with Christie Rampone, or any of the other stars of the U.S. national soccer team who also happen to have born children, then “Soccer Mom” is the hot new way to refer to them in casual conversation. It captures both their professional and personal accomplishments in a simple, yet elegant, phrase.
“Who runs the world? You do, you beautiful streetwalker!”
The Streetwalker refuses to cower in fear, and stands up to street harassment. Her disdain silences; her eyes shoot laser beams. They actually shoot lasers. Go ahead, tell her to smile. See what happens. The streetwalker struts with confidence, because she knows that her laser eyes can f*ck you up.
8. Call Girl
“I just appreciate you so much — you are my call girl!”
There are fair weather friends, and then there is your Call Girl. When times get tough, she’s the one you’ve got on speed dial. Need something? She’s there. Want to try out the new zero calorie, zero gravity juice bar? She’s there. Just need to talk? She’s there. Your call girl has got your back.