Online Dating Profile: Monday

About Me:

I’m business in the front, business in the back. I turn blue skies gray. I melt iced coffee and cool hot coffee. I can gripe while opening a birthday present that is exactly what I wanted. I have so much hate to give!

What You Should Know Up Front:

I feel that “aggressive anti-hero” and “barely bearable” are accurate, quippy descriptors of me. My essence is comparable to the potato peels, meat cutlets, and cheese grubs that block the kitchen sink from draining.

I’m unashamed of my grimy reputation. Anyone who’s ever known me is very aware of my non-charms: no use trying to hide who I am!

Age:

I am whatever age makes your skin crawl, your hair jump off your scalp, your liver do a cartwheel, your bones creak with pre-arthritis, your anxiety replicate, your lightning scar throb, etc.

Occupation:

The world needs a day designated to soul-crippling tasks: filing taxes, purchasing food items, feeding coins into the laundry box, smiling at your boss, and removing the wine stains from the business clothes that Friday talked you into wearing to the bar.

Ultimately, I provide the safe space you need to be as boring as a bunion yet as productive as a pancreas. If someone invites you out on a Monday, they should be unperplexed to hear your excuse involving some mundane but necessary task.

City:

I’ll come to you, babe. While I am bound by time and calendars, location can’t hold me down. I’m inescapable. (You can anticipate that our break up would be…awkward.)

Wants Kids:

OF COURSE! It would be like having an army of complaining machines. We’ll raise them in a humdrum of bleak aggravations. Their first sounds will be sighs of anguish. I’m completely looking forward to using the procreation process to mold other individual lives in a way that fulfills me personally.

Furthermore, it will give us so much more to fuss about! We’ll have ten times less money, seventeen times more errands, a hundred times less sleep, and a zillion times more complaints to voice.  

Smokes/Drinks:

Wherever you fall on these issues, I swing the opposite way. Too many common interests would be deadly for my ideal relationship. 

Hobbies:

I raise purebred sea monkeys. What…can’t a guy have a sensitive side?

Ideal Date:

I want you to pick everything about our time together: consulting me is not an option. That way, I can complain about all the ways that the evening didn’t fulfill my hopes, dreams, interests, and deep-seated passions.

Maybe you’ll take me out for Thai food and I’ll weep over the lost art of homemade dinners. Perhaps we’ll see a movie I’ve been posting about on FB, but we miss the sunset; thus, you’ve blunderingly thwarted our chance for romance. Even still, you might try to kiss me in a park, but my body will be a gelatinous puddle because we’re in the middle of a heatwave—don’t you know to check the forecast before planning a date?

I’m very much looking forward to meeting you and explaining the many reasons why the glass is, objectively, half empty!

 

 

 

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