Online Dating Profile: The Sorting Hat

About Me:

You might swipe left, you might swipe right

Who knows how you’ll react?

I sing and judge and lack in height

Which could make you retract.

 

No matter what you think of me,

I’ll tell you how I feel —

Authentic truth and honesty

Are kind of my whole deal.

 

A mate for life is what I seek          

So if you did not flee

I’d like to set a date next week:

Please cast your spell on me.

 

Appearance:

I have a classic triangle build with a few (well-earned) wrinkles around the edges. While some complain that I look much shorter in person, I am one of the taller hats of the wizarding world.

Age:

My seams are quite sturdy considering how long ago I was stitched together. I’m used but in infinitely excellent condition. My wit only sharpens with age.

City:

Other than my obligation to the Great Hall each September and the occasional gloomy outing to the Chamber of Secrets, I’ve lived in the Headmaster’s office for the better part of 1,000 years. While it’s cozy and quirky and visited by a number of fascinating portrait guests, I’m ready for a change of scenery and the chance to escape the bombastic melodrama of Fawkes’ life cycle.

Occupation:

Director of Student Placement / Personality Analyst / Rhyme Consultant / Chief Fashion Accessory

Hobbies:

I’m an amateur songwriter. I should be professional, but songwriting is not part of my “official” job description and no one has formally “requested” that I do it. Yet, it’s clear that I’m something of a legend to the wide-eyed, unsorted first-years. After hearing about my legacy from their parents and siblings, they anticipate an original hit song that informs, thrills, and entertains like hell. Honestly, it’s a lot to live up to. I’m in the studio most weekends and whenever songspiration strikes.

The One Thing I’m Passionate About:

I’m an excellent judge of character: I can identify your most prominent characteristics as well as the hidden labyrinth of complexities that make you unique. I will treat you as a subject that I want to know more about. I prefer to whisper my discoveries into your ear while you are in a public place surrounded by every peer you have ever known. They look on eagerly while we hash out some of the most important aspects of you as a person.  

You Should Know That:

If I get anywhere near your head, I will start sorting. Beyond the context of a first-year witch or wizard, “sorting” means judging every fiber of your mortal essence. It’s not out of disrespect — I am what I am.

I also want to make it clear upfront that I have a thorough knowledge of the texture and scent of every head of hair that has ever passed through Hogwarts. It’s part of my job, so please don’t get jealous.

Ideal Date:

You have an enormous, life-altering decision to make. I coax you into revealing your deepest desires and darkest fears. I’ll be simultaneously judgmental and supportive of your thought process. It’s just how I function.

Either before, after, or during this Decision Date, I will serenade you with a vaguely prophetic song that hints about your future misfortunes. You’ll transcribe the song (which will be tricky, as you’ll be weeping and clapping and experiencing the raw power of music) so you can refer back to it as your life starts crumbling around you.

I’m Looking For Someone Who:

  • Appreciates tradition unquestioningly and doesn’t think twice about allowing an enchanted but inanimate object to determine the foundation of students’ social and intellectual lives for their most formative adolescent years.
  • Has unknowable depths of character. If you’re like a Malfoy and wear your narcissism in the clumps of your hair gel, you will bore the thread out of me. I prefer to spend time with an enigmatic jigsaw of a person who can keep me guessing. 
  • Is probably a Gryffindor. I’m not going to pull an Albus on you and pretend (in an insultingly unconvincing manner) that I view all the houses equally. I belonged to Godric all those years ago, and I suppose I will always be compelled to make choices that would make him proud.  

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *