Open Letter To Escalators In General

Dear Every Escalator,

First of all, where in God’s hell do you get off with yourself? You are Stairs’ estranged cousin at best … and at worst? At worst you’re a physical manifestation of human life meaninglessly stuck on a cruel infinity loop to nowhere.

The thing is this: we don’t actually need you. Our legs bend at the knee and enable us to make extraordinary leaps and bounds through the universe. Erroneously and pretentiously, you believe that you’re doing the work for all knees everywhere.

In actuality, you might be a catalyst towards de-evolutionizing the human skeletal and muscular systems; if Homo sapiens are unable to bend their knees in 1.5 million years, I’ll know precisely who to scream at from the grave.

The other thing is, with unreasonable frequency, you are “Out of Order.”

Picture this: I’m literally waltzing into a store, overexerting my knees because I know they will soon get a 19-second break. Then, I see you—frozen in time and space like a f*cking ice sculpture.

If you’re advertised as a way to make my knees’ lives easier, then don’t crap out on me without warning. It’s unprofessional and potentially crippling.

And here is the thing I want to ask most: why are your steps so crunchy? By that I mean, what is with the texture of your “stairs”? It seems probable that this stripey construction is integral to your mechanical function, but I’m telling you that it’s truly unattractive.

At some point, designers should go for a look that’s more aesthetic (even if safety and logic are compromised). Maybe I’d hate you less if you were a buttery spill of marble, slipping and sliding, dangerously alive.

Can you envision the greatness that this would mean for you—for all of us? While I surmise that you still consider yourself “the new stair on the block,” you’ve been around long enough to demand a style change.

The last thing I want to mention is about the railings. I can’t help but think that your railings are proverbial blank spaces that shouldn’t be.

I could think of about seventeen Nobel Prize-worthy ideas for enhancing the railings, but it’s not on my agenda to actually help you. Please keep me updated if you make any significant changes in the future, but otherwise refrain from responding to this letter.

Sincerely,

Not A Fan, Probably Never Will Be

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