Places Waldo Is Hiding In This Devastating Day And Age

  • On vacation from his job of hiding
  • Hanging out with Carmen Sandiego in their secret fort
  • Picking up some Uber shifts to cover his health insurance costs
  • Cosplaying as a candy cane
  • Gazing into a mirror, calculating how many years he has left of his boyish good looks
  • Stuck on a G train
  • Publicly affirming his confidence in breaking up with Wenda
  • Privately weeping over how things ended — playing hard to get kept things spicy in the beginning but ultimately drove her away
  • Separating his laundry into jeans and stripes
  • Meeting his friends for drinks because he has a life, goddammit
  • Interviewing for another job because traveling the world in constant fear of being discovered by an unknown entity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be
  • Brainstorming for his existential poetry podcast “Lost & Found”
  • Drowning in despair
  • Getting his glasses prescription updated — he’s been gone so long he’ll be lucky to find the optometrist at all
  • Running away from the shame of dressing his dog to look like him
  • Polishing grammar and punctuation for a witty political tweet that will prove he’s more than just a former badboy runaway
  • Cheating on his diet, but it’s okay because he walks everywhere
  • Wondering when someone will finally notice him
  • Waiting for his Seamless order to arrive
  • At his new office job like a normal person, fiddling away the time until retirement and death
  • Right next to you, but you’ll never notice because you haven’t looked up from your phone in 17 years

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