Record Label Re-Titles Christmas Songs As Clickbait In Last-Ditch Effort To Trick Millennials Into Buying Music

’Tis the season for homemade cookies, cozy sweaters, sparkling lights, and underhanded advertising campaigns that exploit consumers’ blatant nostalgias and secret fantasies.

Jennifer’s Ghost, a struggling record label, changed the game this holiday season with an innovative marketing approach. In an effort to entice millennial buyers without changing the product at all, the label’s marketing team re-titled tracks on a generic Christmas album from 2004. After weeks of meticulous deliberation and heated email chains, the team named the album Christmas Music AF. 

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“Man Generously Donates Heart, What Happens the Next Day Will Destroy You”

“Child Fails to Recognize Father, Spreads THIS Rumor about Mother”

“These New Parents High Key Want You to Buy Them a Crib Already”

“This Guy Watches People Sleeping for a Reason You Literally Will Not Believe”

“Epic DIY Project for the Boughs of Holly You Saved This Year”

“This Little Town Thinks It’s THE SHIT”

“Fog Changes This Deer’s Fate in a Way That Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity” 

“3 Rich Men Who Have Way Worse Jet Lag Than You RN”

“If This Doesn’t Discourage You from Building a Snowman, We Don’t Know What Will”

“Confused Woman Believes Santa Is a Wealthy Infant”

“Find Out Why This Boy Won’t F*CKING STOP Playing the Drums”

“Can We Guess Your Myers-Briggs Type Based on Your Emotional Response to This Super Quiet Night?”

“These ~Merry~ Dudes Need to Go Home and Get Some GD Rest”

“39.5 Insults to Low Key Destroy Any F*ckboi This Season”

“These People DGAF That a Blizzard Could Actually Kill People”

“Woman Regrets Trusting Her Boyfriend with Anything, Especially Her Shipping Address”

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