Entertainment & Charm
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- Held your rapt attention so well that they may in fact be of another world.
- You got lost in their eyes, literally. You are still navigating the ocular wasteland. You could navigate it forever and still be happy.
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- Laughed at your jokes in a way that made you decide the next morning that you really should sign up for that stand-up class
- Maintained eye contact that displayed confidence and interest as well as a mildly self-deprecating humility.
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- Spent entire date dictating texts to Siri about how boring you are, then apologized for how rude their phone was.
- Smiled without ceasing, with only their eyes showing how empty they were inside.
- Responded to every question about themselves with a sad look, a guttural cry of pain, and the sobbed phrase, “I’m sorry, Barbara.”
- Stared at you with the menacing look of a hungry animal.
Planning & Preparation
- Invented time travel so that you could meet your favorite historical figures.
- Named a star after you and then flew you there in a special spacecraft commissioned just for you.
- Surprised you with tickets to your favorite country.
- Planned out an itinerary based on coordinates that matched up to the numerical equivalents of the spelling of your name.
- Asked you to meet at Starbucks. For beers.
- Told you their trick of repeating someone’s name in order to remember it, then started every sentence with your name.
- Invited you to rendezvous at their favorite dumpster.
- Couldn’t remember your name when you showed up so called you by their own name instead because it was easier for them to remember.
- Shone so brightly with the beauty of a thousand suns that the actual sun hid its face for the next year.
- Sustained the planet for that year with the energy harnessed by their natural glow; Earth has never known such warmth.
- Caused runway models to flee in shame after casually strolling past a fashion show.
- Anyone who so much as accidentally brushes their arm immediately gains confidence enough to carry the world.
- Makes you jump a little every time you see them smile, but that’s okay; who doesn’t look a little like a werewolf on their off days?
- Their skin is slightly rougher than sandpaper, which makes physical contact of any sort somewhat difficult.
- The first time you met, you mistook them for a troll.
- When they walked you home, the actual troll that lives under the bridge by your house also mistook them for a troll.
- The troll and your date are now dating each other.
- Communicated telepathically, providing an immediate response every time you thought longingly about them (but remaining silent whenever you expressed no such mental signal.)
- Embodied a perfectly tailored algorithm of witty banter.
- Texted you shortly after the date with a reference to the most hilarious joke you made.
- You now have inside jokes together. That’s really all it takes.
- Texted you every time they were setting up a date with someone else, just in case.
- Responded with “lol” whenever you requested that they stop texting you.
- Had such difficulty processing your rejection that they are now forever only able to communicate in binary.
- Actually, it’s quite possible that they only ever spoke binary in the first place.
- Lives under your basement now. Not in your basement. Under it.