Rubric: Dates

Entertainment & Charm

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  • Held your rapt attention so well that they may in fact be of another world.
  • You got lost in their eyes, literally. You are still navigating the ocular wasteland. You could navigate it forever and still be happy.

Effective

  • Laughed at your jokes in a way that made you decide the next morning that you really should sign up for that stand-up class
  • Maintained eye contact that displayed confidence and interest as well as a mildly self-deprecating humility.

Developing

  • Spent entire date dictating texts to Siri about how boring you are, then apologized for how rude their phone was.
  • Smiled without ceasing, with only their eyes showing how empty they were inside.

Ineffective

  • Responded to every question about themselves with a sad look, a guttural cry of pain, and the sobbed phrase, “I’m sorry, Barbara.”
  • Stared at you with the menacing look of a hungry animal.

Planning & Preparation

Highly Effective

  • Invented time travel so that you could meet your favorite historical figures.
  • Named a star after you and then flew you there in a special spacecraft commissioned just for you.

Effective

  • Surprised you with tickets to your favorite country.
  • Planned out an itinerary based on coordinates that matched up to the numerical equivalents of the spelling of your name.

Developing

  • Asked you to meet at Starbucks. For beers.
  • Told you their trick of repeating someone’s name in order to remember it, then started every sentence with your name.

Ineffective

  • Invited you to rendezvous at their favorite dumpster.
  • Couldn’t remember your name when you showed up so called you by their own name instead because it was easier for them to remember.

Attractiveness

Highly Effective

  • Shone so brightly with the beauty of a thousand suns that the actual sun hid its face for the next year.
  • Sustained the planet for that year with the energy harnessed by their natural glow; Earth has never known such warmth.

Effective

  • Caused runway models to flee in shame after casually strolling past a fashion show.
  • Anyone who so much as accidentally brushes their arm immediately gains confidence enough to carry the world.

Developing

  • Makes you jump a little every time you see them smile, but that’s okay; who doesn’t look a little like a werewolf on their off days?
  • Their skin is slightly rougher than sandpaper, which makes physical contact of any sort somewhat difficult.

Ineffective

  • The first time you met, you mistook them for a troll.
  • When they walked you home, the actual troll that lives under the bridge by your house also mistook them for a troll.
  • The troll and your date are now dating each other.

Follow-up

Highly Effective

  • Communicated telepathically, providing an immediate response every time you thought longingly about them (but remaining silent whenever you expressed no such mental signal.)
  • Embodied a perfectly tailored algorithm of witty banter.

Effective

  • Texted you shortly after the date with a reference to the most hilarious joke you made.
  • You now have inside jokes together. That’s really all it takes.

Developing

  • Texted you every time they were setting up a date with someone else, just in case.
  • Responded with “lol” whenever you requested that they stop texting you.

Ineffective

  • Had such difficulty processing your rejection that they are now forever only able to communicate in binary.
  • Actually, it’s quite possible that they only ever spoke binary in the first place.
  • Lives under your basement now. Not in your basement. Under it.

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