Rubric: Intercity Buses

Comfort

Highly Effective

  • Provides free wifi along with instant video streaming services and complimentary screens/headphones.
  • Allows personalized temperature options for each seat.
  • Provides “stretching station” next to each seat for passengers prone to cramping.

Effective

  • Provides free wifi along with instant video streaming services if you don’t mind Netflix pausing every three seconds.
  • Maintains temperature that is comfortable for the average human or exceptionally angelic child who never complains.
  • Provides ample leg room for each seat.

Developing

  • Advertises free wifi but only follows through on 3% of buses, leaving passengers perpetually uncertain if they have reserved a seat on a “lucky bus.”
  •  Maintains consistently freezing temperatures so at least passengers know what they’re in for and can prepare accordingly.
  • Provides seats and floor.

Ineffective

  • Provides dial-up at unscheduled rest stops in the middle of the woods somewhere not listed on any map so that passengers can contact their loved ones before their inevitable demise.
  • Changes temperatures from boiling hot to freezing cold every five minutes.
  • Requires passengers to sit on each other’s laps.

Efficiency

Highly Effective

  • Repels traffic using newly developed highway magnetic technology.
  • Provides nonstop service between all major cities; permits passengers to leap through emergency exit if they desire to get off at an earlier location.

Effective

  • Uses carpool lane when available to move quickly.
  • Stops once or twice between major cities; sticks to strict timetable at all times.

Developing

  • Sticks to five mph below the speed limit at all times; takes “shortcuts” that lead to areas with more traffic.
  • Regularly breaks down but repair time is schedule ahead of time into all trip length estimates; waits for each passenger before departing unless passenger is confirmed dead or missing.

Ineffective

  • Schedules departure times to coincide with major traffic congestion.
  • Makes unscheduled rest stops in abandoned alleyways somewhere near unnamed cities; allows only the bus driver to leave the bus at any given stop.

Fellow Passengers

Highly Effective

  • Manned by celebrities, comedians, musicians, and other entertainers who, in addition to providing you with nonstop entertainment, insist that you are the funniest, most talented person they have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
  • Children are but a figment of your imagination.
  • There is a butler on duty by the bathroom.

Effective

  • The occasional flash mob breaks out. Your face is all over YouTube for a month afterward, but in an okay way.
  • A family of four sat down behind you, but the kids slept the entire time.

Developing

  • There’s a public proposal or two but, like, the really awkward kind where she clearly isn’t sure she wants to say yes.
  • Middle school field trip. Nothing more needs to be said.
  • Someone tried to trip you when you walked to the bathroom.

Ineffective

  • Clowns. Clowns everywhere. Oh god, who thought this was a good idea?
  • The babies probably would have been screaming anyway, but now there are clowns, and it’s so much worse.
  • Someone puked on the toilet seat. It was probably because of the clowns.

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