- Opens and closes doors so gently that it sounds like a music box lullaby.
- Commits acts of kindness like turning off lights in the kitchen or living room…even if they’ve gone upstairs already.
- Doesn’t take up a lot of space. It’s almost like they’re invisible.
- Inherited the type of bladder that rarely needs to be emptied.
- Volunteers to take the small room that has no closet. Never complains about it.
- Gets a low-maintenance haircut in order to minimize bathroom time and prevent Drain v. Hair conflicts.
- Yells “FIRE!” (at a deafening volume) if you’re both heading to the bathroom. This gets you every time. They get to the bathroom first.
- Senses when you’re about to fall asleep and starts playing the steel drums. They still have no effing rhythm. It’s been seven months.
- Memorizes your schedule in order to prevent you from using the bathroom, kitchen, or common areas in your times of need.
- Is always around the house. Always. Except for the ONE TIME you leave your keys at home.
- Appoints themselves, publicly and officially, as Ruiner of Your Domestic Life.
- Keeps the kitchen spotless by never physically entering the room.
- Avoids the bathroom except to wail in it mournfully from time to time. (It has the best acoustics in the house.)
- Sheds neither hair nor skin cell in this mortal realm.
- Buys a dishwasher for the apartment as a gift.
- A f*cking dishwasher.
- Brings two vacuums when they move in, stores both in your bedroom.
- Loves vacuuming, especially when you are reading or trying to REM.
- Doesn’t know how to use a mop or a broom, but goddamn they can vacuum.
- Collects hair from your comb and plants it all over the bathroom.
- Knows the roaches personally and sends them e-vites to the stovetop after you’ve cooked a meal.
- De-alphabetizes your books whenever you leave the house.
- Visits the neighbors often, although the neighbors have never mentioned meeting them.
- Forms deep, spiritual connections with everyone they encounter.
- Has elite friend groups that you’re dying to meet.
- Knows a bartender at all pubs within a 15-mile radius.
- Has humble, good-looking friends with cool jobs like Feng Shui Engineer or Cupcake Artist or Postage Stamp Designer. They always leave housewarming gifts.
- Is a member of a motorcycle group. Circles the block for an hour before the group shows up.
- Is a member of a helicopter group. Launches helicopters from the roof above your bedroom.
- Is a member of NASA. Launches rockets from the backyard. Has yet to give you a free tour or a moon rock.
- Keeps up with your exes and frenemies. Fills them in about what your life is actually like even though your social media profiles boast that your life is dreamy and enviable.
- Knows someone who could set up super fast Wifi for the house at a low cost. Refuses to act on it.
- Enchants you with their haunting singing voice and unearthly musical range.
- Excites and unnerves you with their ethereal, billowy style.
- Has a real presence. Sometimes, you can’t fall asleep because their presences is so powerful.
- Convinces ConEd to run the heat and AC at absolutely no charge.
- Anticipates others’ emotional shifts and uses humor or genuine compliments to derail sadness, anger, or frustration.
- Is bubbly and intriguing via text or email, but is too loud for comfort in person.
- Does every vocal act at a scream — can you imagine a yawn or a hiccup as a scream? Somehow they’re capable of that. (Don’t even ask about the way that their sneezes break the sound barrier.)
- Has slightly more charisma than you.
- Makes sure you never forget that.