***Lifetime Free Rent! Food included!***
Rent: You read that right: totally free. This has nothing to do with my financial situation and everything to do with yours. I’m pretty convinced that having cockroaches live on the premises is a stipulation of my lease somewhere, so I’m just trying to make do and get the best possible roachmates that I can out of this situation. So if you fit all these criteria, it will be free, do you hear me? Free. There’s no topping that in this economy. No hidden fees, either. Utilities included.
About me: Pretty normal human with typical human needs. One of those needs is the need to not have my apartment overrun by cockroaches. Another is the need to have access to food that is mine and mine alone. Don’t disrespect my labeled food, and I won’t disrespect you. If I leave food out and about with no labels, though, consider that fair game. I deserve it.
I like peace and quiet. My current roachmates are so noisy that I know they are there, which is a huge no-no. You should be not seen or heard. I don’t want to know you exist.
420 friendly? Nope, I do not want 420 of you in my apartment. Sorry.
Lease situation: Month-to-month. All my current roachmates feel like they own the place, but it’s like hello, are any of them even on the lease??? No. The answer is no. The answer will always be no. I will kick you out or begin a Raid attack at a moment’s notice, so you’d better be well-behaved.
Rooms available: You get one designated cupboard and a drawer. Stay out of the bedrooms. The bathroom is only an option if I haven’t cleaned it in a while because then I can make myself feel good about myself when people act as if my worth as a human being is tied to the cleanliness of my apartment.
“Oh look,” I can say, “my bathroom is free of cockroaches because of my moral excellence and has nothing to do with this specific housing ad I put up. I can now sympathize with everyone who talks about how disgusting people are who have cockroaches in their apartments because I am clearly not at that level because I cleaned my bathroom and fixed that part of the problem.”
In the meantime, you can have occasional access to the best swimming pool in the entire building, as long as I forget to wipe down the sink. Also, the cupboard is nice and spacious, and I might even leave a bag of chocolate chips or flour in there every once in a while. I’m doing my best to work with you, okay?
Location: Conveniently located in the heart of the city, within crawling distance of plenty fantastic bars, bodegas, restaurants parks, schools, subway stations—so many places to check out whenever you feel the desire to get out of the house. Which I pray will be often.
Pets: Are you kidding me? What possible additional creature could you want to drag into my household? You know what—don’t answer that.
Contact info: Contact me to schedule a viewing. Viewing MUST be scheduled. Unscheduled visits are a hard no. I will end you.
Looking forward to a great partnership!