It’s college application season for all you high school seniors out there, which means that it’s time to turn a critical eye to your own accomplishments in order to determine the best way to make you look like a saintly hero of perfection while simultaneously displaying humility, a deep understanding of the world around you, and — if you’re especially fortunate — a sense of humor. So, because we care about you, here are some tips for writing the perfect college essay so the rest of your life can be Highly Effective.
1. Prove your interest in the school of your choice by replacing the name of crucial characters in your essay with the name of the school.
Your vivid description of your Nana’s death and its impact on your extracurriculars is already bound to be a tearjerker; why not bring that touching emotion home even more by referring to Nana as “University of Rochester” throughout? Associating your dream school with a loved one will really help drive home exactly how much that school means to you.
2. Show that you are humble about your many accomplishments by replacing the first-person pronoun “I” with the phrase “This Lowly Human Who Holds But A Meager Position In This Large Universe” every time.
Colleges want to know that you are successful, but they don’t want all their students to be self-obsessed. This quick replacement trick helps let them know that you understand that even though you’re the sh*t, you’re not the only sh*t.
3. write entirely in lowercase letters dont punctuate or distinguish between sentences also use abbrevs whenever u can.
this will show colleges that ur avant-garde and have surpassed the need 4 conventions. once they realize that u have already learned everything they would ever teach u about writing, they’ll be falling over themselves 2 include u in their school. u cant break the rules until u’ve learned them, so clearly u must have absolutely mastered every single rule of grammar ever if ur playing w them in such an interesting manner.
4. Just use emojis.
Written language is becoming so old-fashioned. You want to prove to colleges that you are on the cutting edge of new technologies and new methods of communication. What better way to demonstrate this aspect of your skill set than to write your essay entirely in emojis? It’s an efficient way to tell a complex story, and you won’t have to worry about that word count nonsense ever again.
5. Attach a thumb drive with your downloaded personality on it.
Why bother with an essay when you can send admissions officers your entire personality on a single thumb drive? It saves so many steps, and they’ll be able to tell exactly who you are without any of this writing crap.
6. Clearly structure your essay by building it out of Legos.
Choose the Lego set of your choice — this essay could be a Transformer or it could be the Millennium Falcon — it’s up to you. Which boxed set of architectural possibilities best reflects your character, academics and extracurriculars?
7. Prove that you would be a good fit for the school by drawing diagrams.
What type of puzzle piece does your top choice college look like? And what type of puzzle piece do you look like? Draw pictures of both so that the school can see that yes, you’d fit right in. If you’re not compatible, it’ll be obvious right away, so only do this if your puzzle pieces truly do fit together.
8. Be honest — send them a list of every wrongdoing you have ever committed.
Did you take your brother’s Halloween candy that one time when you were in grade school? It’s confession time. Did you cheat in the spelling bee by reading the word “cantaloupe” off of someone’s lunch sticker? Tell all. Did you lie to Jennifer that one time when she asked if Utah is the name of the month that comes between March and April and you said no, that month is called “Kathleen”? Better ’fess up. They’re bound to find out anyway. Honesty is always the best policy.
With those tips in hand, it’s time to go out and own those essays! Best of luck to all you future debt-ridden, overwhelmed young adults!