Do you grab your passport and head to the nearest Canada when someone starts asking you to make copies? Would you rather quit your job than have to spell the term ‘Xerox’ in front of your colleagues? Do words like plug, on, beige, tray, and error make your thumbs retract into your body?
Oddly enough, you are not alone. To help you out, we’ve collected some insider tips about The Photocopier that will change your life entirely because when you learn anything at all it alters the course of your life forever.
1. If you press the “On” button, the copy machine will become alive.
Yes, semantics nerds. ‘Alive’ is the most accurate term to describe the situation at hand.
2. If you select “Copies,” you can change the number of copies you want.
You can actually make 1,000,000 copies of something. Doesn’t that fill your head with off-brand cereals and killer wasps?
3. If you press the “Cancel” button, you can stop the copies from continuing.
This is fun because you get to play God in a controlled environment, but it is also mean-spirited because the machine gets excited to make a certain amount, and then when it actually makes less than that amount it becomes moody and withdrawn.
4. If you see that there is no paper in Tray 1, you can add paper to Tray 1.
This seems unnatural and will give you the heebie-jeebies whenever you do it. Despite these instincts, it is the right and proper course of action.
5. If you enter the copy room and Someone Else is making copies, you can stare at the back of his head to make him work faster.
Really focus the stare: pretend like you are lighting something on fire. Within a minute, That Person will definitely get out of your way.
6. If you place a toad or a waffle on the glass, the truth is, you can make a blurry copy of its form.
People may stop to ask, “Why did you do this? Why is all the cyan and yellow ink used up? Why is this room smelling of old toad and soggy waffles?” But every now and then it is great to indulge your curiosity, regardless of criticism from Other People.
7. If you notice that the ink is fading away—like the way your joie de vivre does with the passing of every workweek—that is because the ink has been used by so many people that it is exhausted and cannot ink any more.
At this point, it is your job to bury the ink cartridge and replace it with another one as if nothing has happened. Pretend that you are replacing a toilet paper roll, not a life. This is no easy task, but you can certainly grow accustomed to it over time.
8. If you press the “Off” button, the copy machine will die.
The photocopier can be re-animated, but it will just be a shell of its former self, trying desperately to grasp at the vestiges of its youth when someone first removed it from the package and exclaimed, “This is a thing of wonder and beauty that I will love forever and ever even if it works less efficiently and more slowly with each passing day!”
9. If you cause a paper jam, the best course of action is to grab your passport and head to the nearest Canada.
Do not stop to call for help. Do not stop to write a sticky note. Do not stop to follow the photocopier’s prompts to “Lift Lever A,” “Rotate Plastic Part E Seven Times,” or “Manufacture Tray Z So That You Can Actually Complete These Steps.” Run while you still have life left to live! Ride off into the sunset without looking back, and never let your cursed thumbs touch another Copy Machine again.