What Ursula Would Look Like If She Had Any Chill

Ursula Without Chill 

My jealousy for King Triton grows (like Ariel’s obsession with legs) while my patience for him shrinks (like Sebastian’s will to remain employed as a glorified babysitter with no prospects for upward mobility).

Triton is a pathetic king with no vision and no sense of leadership. Who banishes someone for being a power-hungry (read: talented) sorceress with visions of grandeur? We could have been an unstoppable team.

I won’t rest until I concoct a strange, devious plot that will allow me to hold the trident. A crown will look exquisite on my white tufts when all of Atlantica bows before me at last.  

My plan to usurp the throne will involve the following: Triton’s misguided daughter, a shady contract, a voice-body switcheroo, an unsuspecting and gullible male human, and (naturally) a deadline of three days’ time.

More than anything, I’m excited to make Triton uncomfortable in his own salty skin for once. He may have won the battle, but I’m turning this rivalry that he might have forgotten about into an all-out war.

Ursula With Chill 

Admittedly, my life is riddled with issues that I may or may not have brought upon myself:

  • I hold onto grudges like Ariel holds onto useless trinkets from the human world.
  • Merfolk only visit me if they want something that is scientifically impossible and emotionally unsafe. 
  • I’m so insecure about the sound of my own voice that I had to magically remove the voice of a teenaged mermaid and use it as my own.
  • The only friends I’ve held down are eels which are basically the garbage worms of the ocean.
  • Sea folks view me as an “outsider” who isn’t “welcome at public gatherings” because I don’t “know how to behave in a social environment.” 

However, after reflecting on my poor unfortunate soul, I realize that the pros outweigh the cons: 

  • I am the proud owner of two electric eels that are loyal AF. Who cares if they are garbage worms? 
  • My taste in real estate is unparalleled. It took SO LONG to find a cave with an entrance shaped like jaws. I can only see the market value going up on this baby. 
  • I have the pleasure of entrapping loose-brained merfolk every now and again. Harmless hobby, really. Like gardening.
  • Brow game on fleek.
  • Lipstick game on fleek.
  • Little black dress game on fleek.
  • I’m ripe material for a TLC show with the suggested titles “Eel Lady” or “10 Limbs and Counting” or “Poor Unfortunate Soul with an Attitude”. Contact my agent.
  • My rhetorical skills are so sharp I could sell water to a flounder. Buzzwords like “true love’s kiss”, “three days”, “also you don’t get a voice” definitely come in handy.
  • OH YEAH and I have such a wide scope of magical powers that I can shapeshift myself and others, expand my form to mountainous proportions, spy on merfolk through holographic images, and transpose voices from body to body.

There comes a time when I just have to leave well enough alone and let the currents of life flow around me, my fabulous cave, my faithful eels, and my vast, immeasurable witch magic. 

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