You don’t have a mean streak: you are a mean streak. For you, being nice feels like wearing head-to-toe burlap while rolling down a hill made of dusty lollipops.
The world is a tough place to navigate for mean beans like you — society’s obsession with “niceness” and “etiquette” and “basic human decency” is suffocating and inescapable…until now. With the following tips, you can remain true to your mean genes while flawlessly masquerading as the nicest guy or gal on the block.
1. Take Out the Trash
And, ever so wickedly, line the bin with a new trash bag. The first person who adds their rotting refuse to the empty bag will feel like a downright sinner. Guilty sweats will overcome them, but they’ll be sure to thank you for so kindly transporting the trash to the curb.
2. Buy Coffee for a Stranger
Caffeine is a harmful bile of toxic terror. Buying any variety of this poison for another person elegantly conveys a HAVE FUN WITH YOUR SKYROCKETING PULSE AND HEART RATE, BUDDY BOY sentiment while ensuring that you look like a hero and a scholar.
3. Hold the Door for Just Anyone
People will blush and murmur, “Thank you, Magnificent Holder of Doors!” while the muscles in your hands grow meaty and supple, and their hands atrophy into brittle bark.
4. Bake Cupcakes for Your Office
“You’re welcome for the immeasurable hoard of irreversible problems that sugar inflicts upon the human body,” you think while smiling at the grateful cupcake-eaters.
5. Mop the Floors
Start mopping the floors without pretense. Mop wildly around doors and main pathways. When you text your housemates that they are literally trapped in their rooms for fifteen minutes, they will reply with, “You are an invaluable member of this household who deserves nothing but praise and thanks.”
6. Let Someone Cut in Line
This gives you a great view of the back of their head, the area that is most vulnerable to them. They will feel gravely unsafe in this new position. Look at how quickly they’re unpacking their groceries on the conveyer belt. You’re scaring them to pieces. But you can bet your butter that they will lurch back around to smile at you one last time before they rush out of the store.
7. Buy Flowers for Your Significant Other
Your S.O. will twirl around you in an interpretative dance of gratitude when you place an expensive bouquet on the kitchen counter. However, you’ll be the one gleefully twirling in about a week or so when the vase’s contents go to hell in a scummy, slimy, smelly hand basket.
8. Give up Your Seat on the Train
The best part of this is that passengers will thank you for offering them a plastic hunk of germs and washed up dreams. Plus, you’ll burn calories like a madman when you get to stand for the next eleven stops while they burn nothing.
9. Shovel the Sidewalk
Removing the snow and ice from your neighbor’s driveway is basically shouting HEY, THIEVES: CHECK OUT THIS SUPER ACCESSIBLE HOUSE YOU CAN ROB IN A JIFF. Despite all this, your neighbor will be so grateful that you might get sugar cookies and everything.
10. Walk Your Friend’s Dog
When you’re on your own with the dog, reveal all of your friend’s mishaps and shortcomings. Really spill the beans. This dog deserves to know the truth. Later on, your friend will send you five dollars, clueless about the seeds of canine mutiny you so cunningly planted.
11. Make Breakfast for Your Roommates
After eating with you, your roommates will make elaborate promises to take you out for donuts and mimosas. Giggle and politely decline. Then, remove a copy of the lease that you keep in the freezer. After clearing your throat, read Section 9, Subheading 6L which states that if the roommates accept a homemade breakfast, then they are required to be your friend forever, no matter what absurdly-orchestrated shenanigans you scheme up in the future.