When a man gets to be a certain age, his body starts to change in ways that can be pretty embarrassing. Some men start to see their hairline recede at as early as twenty-six, which happens to be how old the writer of this article is, but this isn’t about me! I’m fine.
Now, there are plenty of artificial and even surgical ways to correct a receding hairline, but why waste your time and money when you can follow these simple methods for pretending that time is not a cruel, relentless beast that will eventually swallow us all into anonymity, and that you’ll live forever!! You’ve still got plenty of options, you big, strong sex-stallion!
1. Start wearing hats!
Quick question, ma dude: what do Abe Lincoln, Sherlock Holmes, and Freddy Krueger all have in common? You might guess that they all haunt my deepest, darkest nightmares, and you’d be right, but they also all have impeccable taste in hats. A nice hat can turn even the most judgmental hair critic’s comments from “Oh, him? Gross.” to “Oh, him … IN THAT AMAZING HAT?!?! COOL!!!”.
Not to mention that if you start wearing a specific style of hat you may actually get that hat named after you. Have you heard of a Trilby hat? Probably! Did you know that it was named after a certain type of hat worn by the protagonist in a play of the same name? Probably not! But maybe someday an author dealing with a personal crisis through his writing will Google search “[insert name of hat here] origin” and your name will pop up! Not that this has anything to do with what this author did or how this article was written because I’m fine. I’m fine and wear some hats.
2. Bring homemade hummus with you everywhere!
Listen up, you statuesque studmuffin: what else do George Washington, Sherlock Holmes, and Freddy Krueger all have in common? You might guess the hat thing, or maybe the nightmares again, but how about the fact that they all can’t resist the pull of a delicious, hearty, homemade hummus.
If you’re like me, you can whip up some delectable, creamy, organic chickpea dipping sauce — colloquially referred to as ‘hummus’ — in about 30 minutes. And let me tell you, no one’s eyes will be wandering up to that hairline if you’re pulling their vision down to a sweet, sweet bowl of earthy, nutritious, finger-licking hummus!
I’ve been bringing hummus literally everywhere I go for the past three weeks, and only four, maybe five people have said, “Jesse, why are literally always carrying a bowl of homemade hummus with you on a platter of assorted vegetables, crackers, and on the good days, pita bread?” This might seem like the sort of direct question you think you can’t escape, but don’t forget — you’ve got the perfect getaway sitting right in front of you. Just reach down into your bowl of hummus, give yourself a nice smear right across the forehead, and run away before they can see the tears beginning to stream down your face.
3. Put a cat on your head!!
Trust me. This will work.
4. Rely on petty bribery!
There comes a point when, try as you might, you can’t hide your receding hairline any longer. Usually, this is when a loved one asks you to take off your hat before bed and/or showers, or after you’ve had a cat’s claw removed from your scalp for the third time by a tired, but very understanding, nurse at Urgent Care. You may feel defeated. You may want to give up. But instead, give small amounts of cash to family, friends, and associates in order to convince them to look the other way about this one.
If you’ve never dealt with petty bribes before, start small. Most people will look at you sadly and accept $5.00 from you without any further questions if you ask with a smile! Where you have to be careful is with opinionated teenagers and preteens, as well as any small children without filters.
5. Cut ties with anyone in your life under 30.
People have said you should never burn your bridges. But people have also said all sorts of crazy things throughout history, like “Heil Hitler!”, “Mike Pence looks like a trustworthy guy,” and “This is the third cat claw I’ve removed from your scalp, Mr. Jesse. Promise me you’ll stop putting a cat on your head,” so I think it’s safe to say that we can’t trust people. And if we can’t trust people, we sure as sugar can’t trust little versions of people! That’s crazy!!!
Young people and children will just make you feel sad and weak. And you don’t need that! You’re an adult man! You have a job! You’re able to make a killer hummus in roughly three times the amount of time that it takes a normal person to make hummus! Life is still good because you can laugh and cry and find love with all the people in your life who are as old as, if not even older than, you! So probably it’s mostly cry, but that’s okay!! You’re ALIVE!!!
As a man who’s growing older, nothing feels more upsetting than a receding hairline. But keep your head up, you big, broad-shouldered idiot! Everyone likes a smiling bald man better than an old grouchy one ha ha ha. And remember, it could always be worse — you could be aging in America as a woman.
Jesse Swatling-Holcomb is a New York City-based comic and writer. He hosts a monthly comedy show called “It’s Everybody’s Birthday!” and is still trying to figure out if bald people wear hats or hats make people go bald. If you’re dying for more of that sweet, sweet JSH content, you can follow him on Twitter.